True Stories from Aberdeen
An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "Ł20,000 per call!" The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for Ł20,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was in Northampton. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for Ł20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman. He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool,Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "Ł20,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border,decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read,"20 pence per call". The Englishman was surprised so he asked the minister about the sign. "Sir, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was Ł20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The minister smiled and answered "Well, laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."
Jock and Ellie had been married for fifty-five years. Jock was getting worried about Ellie - he thought she was showing signs of becoming deaf but he knew she'd never agree to go to the doctor's. So, he went and asked the doctor what he should do. The doctor said that the first thing to do was to check if she was deaf. He suggested that Jock stand about 30 feet away from Ellie and ask her a question in a normal voice. If she answered him, then there was no problem. If not, he should go forward about 5 feet and ask the question again. And so on and so on. So, Jock goes home and sees Ellie by the cooker. From about 10 yards away he asks, "Ah, Ellie ma dear. Whit's fer tea?"
No reply. So Jock goes closer and asks again, "Ellie, pet, whit's fer tea?" Still no reply, so Jock moves closer. "Och, Ellie tell me whit's fer tea!" Still no reply, so Jock goes closer and by now he's only a few feet away, "C'mon Ellie, tell me whit's fer tea!"
And Ellie replies, "In the name o' God, Jock, and fer the fifth bluidy time, it's chicken. Now shut up and let me get oan wi' it."
- - - - - - -
I was sat in the Trinity Shopping Centre the other day eating at one of the cafes. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "Whit's ra matter Granpa, did ye nivver dae anything wild in your life?”
The old man didn’t bat an eye in his response, "Aye, ken, when I wis a sailor, I wis ashore once in Rangoon. Got blootered and screwed a peacock. I wis just won’ering if ye were ma son."
- - - - -
Two Aberdeen loons, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly. "Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "An' whit's the tert'n?" Archie then enquires. "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
(It only works if you read it aloud)
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Archie from Torry is drinking in a Southampton Bar .... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Torry baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but Archie just shrugs, "That's about average fer Torry, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later Archie returns to the bar. The bartender says "'Evening, Sir, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
Archie takes a slow swig from his Orkney Dark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "We had him circumcised".
- - - - -
Big Archie is in the Yu Chinese Restaurant on Union Street with Wee Eck, his son. Wee Eck is being a pest, demonstrating how he can catch a pound coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air. Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. Big Archie realises he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the bar in the restaurant, reading her newspaper and drinking her Creme de Menthe frappee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the floor.
Reaching Wee Eck, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the pound coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to Big Archie and walks back to her drink without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, Big Archie rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies," I work for the Inland Revenue."
- - - - -
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into the Asda store at the Bridge of Dee, with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good Morning and welcome to Asda. Nicechildren you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they're nae bloody twins. The oldest is 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike ya dunderheid?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sleep with you twice!"
- - - - - -
A guy walks into a harbourside bar in Aberdeen and orders a white wine.
All the regular denizens sitting around the bar look up in amazement - at least those who aren't comatose.
The barman says,"Yer nae fae aroon here loon are ye?"
The guy says "No I'm actually from Edinburgh."
The bartender says," And fit div ye dee in Edinburgh then cheel?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The Bartender says, "A taxidermist? Fit the f**ks a taxidermist? Div you drive a taxi?"
“No, as a taxidermist I dont drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts to the locals "It's aricht loons, he's ane o
us !"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
True Golfing Stories
John McAndrew had had a long, arduous and successful working life as the owner and manager of a transport company in Aberdeen. Eventually, he retired. One day, John decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree!"
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, who was a geological anthropologist. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
To say that John was stunned would be an understatement.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
John nearly falls in the water getting off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, John accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, John goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course."
..................................................................................
A friend of mine, Fero, was an avid golfer, and so was his wife. One day, completely out of the blue, Slavka turned to him and asked him if he’d take a lover after she died. My friend was stunned to say the least.
“Of course not, what a question.”
“Well, I want to know. You’re a fit man. I wouldn’t mind,” she said.
“Oh, then perhaps, in time, I don’t know but perhaps.”
“And would you bring her back here, to our house?” she asked.
“Well, I suppose in time, yes, I would.” Answered my friend very unhappily.
“And in time would you sleep with her, in our bed?” was her next question.
“Well, you know, darling, that might happen. I suppose.”
“And would you let her play with my clubs?”
“Oh no, I wouldn’t do that,” answered Fero, glad at last to be able say “no” to something.
“But why not?” asked Slavka.
“She’s left handed.”
+ + + + +
Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf partners.
They ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies,
"He's very good"
The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his friends look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!"
Dick says, "Just watch him play."
They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par.
On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two pals look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good"
Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player."
The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstretched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend.
Dick replies "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron".
++++
A married couple who'd been avid golfers made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made contact, "Connie....Connie. .":
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
++++++++
True Hunting Stories
Two hunters were out in the forests around Košice. Tragically, one shot the other by mistake. Bože! Katastrofa! Panic stricken, the hunter calls the ambulance service. "I've just shot my friend, what shall I do?"
"Len klud, calm down. First things first, make sure he's really dead." The hunter tells the operator to wait a minute. The operator hears two shots, then the hunter, "Ok, he's dead. What now?"
- - - - - - - - - - -
I remember once when I was hunting with my good friend Anton, in the forests around Cigelka, near the Polish border. We finished hunting about 4 o'clock and set off on our drive back to Košice. Our car, a Lada Niva which is very popular for use in the forests broke down somewhere on an isolated stretch of road. There was no mobile phone signal but we saw a nearby cottage, almost like a small farmhouse. It was getting dark, gloomy and there was a thick mist coming in and the cottage didn't look at all friendly. Still, we went to the cottage and knocked on the door. It opened with a loud creak and the most enormous, and quite ugly, man came to the door. He was dressed in a ragged T-shirt and old trousers and heavy boots. No sign of a manželka. "Ano?" he said. "Co si stalo? Co chcete?" "What's happened, what do you want?" I thought we should just leave but Anton pressed on and explained that we wanted to use his phone because the car had broken down and our mobile phones wouldn't work. (All this conversation was in a Cigelka dialect which I found hard to understand.) The man whistled loudly and the biggest bloody pig you have ever seen came trotting round the corner. It looked inquisitively at the man who nodded at the car, and told Anton to open the bonnet.
I most definitely thought that it was time we got out of there, especially as this large pig had only three legs; its left hind leg was missing. It's dark, we're in the middle of nowhere with a giant who talks to a three legged pig. The pig put its front trotters on the bumper and heaved itself up until it could see inside the engine bay. It rooted around for a bit, then got down and bloody hell, it turned and nodded at the man. He in turn told Anton to start the car - and stap my vitals but it started first time!
We got in the Niva but Anton had to speak to the man. "Thanks a lot, but tell me why has that pig only got three legs?"
The man looked at Anton and answered.
"With a pig as valuable as this, you don't eat it all at once!"
- - - - --
One time I was on a hunting trip in Cigelka, near the Polish border. We were all friends but there was one problem – Fero. We were bunking two to a room and for sure after a bottle or two of slivovica we weren’t feeling much pain but even so, Fero’s snoring kept the chap he was sharing with awake all night. We took it in turns to share a room with Fero.
First morning, Anton is bleary eyed and exhausted; too much slivovic and no sleep.
Second morning, I was in a similar state. Absolutely knackered.
The third night was Miro’s night. Miro was a huge bugger, a very powerful hockey player who took no nonsense from anyone.
Next morning, he came down to breakfast looking as though he’d slept the sleep of the pure and just – bright eyed, not a care in the world.
Anton and I couldn’t believe it. “You slept? How the heck did you manage that?”
Miro said, “Ziadny problem. We got ready for bed and after Fero was in bed, I went and tucked him in and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."
++++
True Stories about Animals
A frog goes into a bank on Union Street (in Aberdeen) and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a Ł30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says, “My name is Kermit Jagger, and my Dad is Mick Jagger, and if you’d just check with the Bank Manager, he’ll tell you it’s OK.”
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow Ł30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog the loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
- - - - - -
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Edinburgh Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
- - - - --
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
- - - - - -
A brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she rives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She
walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that he'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...................... com-for-da-bull.”
- - - - -
Other Topics, possibly untrue
My friend Vlado is a very canny (prešibaný) farmer. He farms near Zdane and has never been known to lose a penny.
Once he bought a donkey for 3,500 skk from his neighbour, Marek, who agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But when Marek drove up with the donkey in a trailer – the donkey was dead. Of course, Vlado demanded his money back, but Marek said that he’d spent it already. So, Vlado said he’d take and dispose of the dead donkey from Marek for 3,000 skk, which Marek would pay when he sold his hay.
A month later, Marek met Vlado, gave him the 3,000 skk and asked if Vlado was still angry with him. Vlado said not at all, he’d made a lot of money from the dead donkey. “Uh?” said Marek.
Vlado told him he’d raffled the donkey – without saying it was dead, of course. He’d sold 500 tickets at 50 skk each for a total of 25,000 skk. When the winner claimed his prize, Vlado apologised and said that the donkey had died. In compensation, he’d given the winner back his stake money and given him 5,000 skk which was a fair price for a good donkey. So, Vlado had paid 500 skk for the dead donkey, made 25,000 skk in ticket sales, and paid the winner 5,050 in compensation. Leaving him with a net profit of 19,450 skk.
Marek thought for a moment, and said “Aha, presne ako politikar.” (Just like a politician.)
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These are supposedly genuine replies put by women on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: (and if you believe that, you'll believe anything).
A. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.
B. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
C. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at the North British Hotel on Saturday 29th April when I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
D. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
E. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
F. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
G. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
H. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to that party, mine might have remained unfertilised.
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A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts, “I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection Can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a Human being? It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs.
"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."
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